Perchance
by initforfanfiction
Summary: Kyubey just tries to understand humans.
1. Question

I am Kyubey, and I am grappling with a significant problem.

I am unable to predict humans.

I don't mean I am unable predict the outcome of my interactions with any specific human. There are very few I can confidently say hold any relationship with me at all. Those few who do I can certainly describe ad nauseam: what thresholds of potential they met in contracting them as magical girls, what their wishes' consequences held for themselves and others, what circumstances led to them becoming witches. I am perfectly capable of recalling and examining every second of interaction I take part in concerning humans I have contacted, and I have no shortage of comparisons and explanations until I exhaust my descriptions.

However, I cannot explain how I identify humans as a species. The similarities they share, the differences they hold between each other, and how they choose to communicate-or not communicate-within themselves. I have reviewed, and been witness to, enough of their history that I am able to understand what has happened, and even what social and political circumstances surround a given scenario. I can even mostly predict their behaviors in a given scenario, as is necessary to learn what conditions sway them most when I offer them contracts. The key word is "mostly"; occasionally, more often than is acceptable, a human will choose or decide against what all rational thought may indicate.

I identify my lack of understanding as a problem because as humans are irrational creatures, they act in ways not easily predictable. However, this seemingly conflicts with their own understandings of themselves, as they apparently presuppose humans are primarily motivated by reason and rationality. So much of their conduct revolves around situation and circumstance that I am forced to examine what affects their behavior, in the interests of increased efficiency and adaptability in contracting magical girls. My study is justified by many examples of magical girls, some with the greatest human potential ever measured by certain counts, who absolutely refused contracts in their lives. These lost opportunities come at a great cost to the battle against entropy, and while some Incubators are conducting research into our own species' ability or desire to express emotions, I am focusing on how humans relate to emotional expression and feelings to better control for responses and increase my own efficiency in contracting magical girls with high potential.

Until I observe or hypothesize a possible answer, I will collect observational data and correlate possible answers until I reach a conclusion or determine such a conclusion is infeasible given my timeframe and parameters of study. Perhaps recording my own analysis this way will lead me to some new insight regarding humans which will further benefit our cause.


	2. Gathering Data

To begin, I approached Mami today and asked her how she might describe humans as a whole. I do not intend to pursue an interview-based study, but upon reflection consulting with humans themselves may be fruitful before formulating any hypotheses, to establish a baseline for study.

I asked her specifically what qualities she believes are most important to humanity, what she believes humans' greatest accomplishments and failures are, and how she thinks emotion has influenced human progress and development.

Though her answers were incomplete and contradicting, she stated humans are intelligent, and have great capacity for invention and innovation. She gave television and air travel as examples of technology which are beyond her own comprehension, but nonetheless would be entirely unbelievable concepts in the times before their invention.

I am unsure if things like flight or communication via electromagnetic signals justifiably constitute unbelievability, as humans (and other animals humans refuse to call "sapient") have used such tools long before inventing airplanes or television. In addition, there are many ways to describe mundane inventions so they sound incredible; after all, it is possible to contend that doors allow you to walk through walls, from a particular point of view.

I did not pursue my query with Mami further, as I am only outlining what lines of questioning might best provide the answers I am looking for. In this instance, how might Mami's emotions influence her decision to describe humans as intelligent and innovative? Is it mere species-induced pride, or is such a characteristic more tangible in humans' self-evaluations?

I must look further into these questions.


	3. Response

Yesterday Mami asked why I was asking her questions about humans, and I answered I am trying to understand them better. She asked what I'd learned so far, and while I am too early into my study to draw any conclusions, she nonetheless requested I share my results with her, once I have them.

I am unsure why sharing my research would be valuable to her, but she refused to explain, only saying she would "just like to know." I am making a note to review how her perspectives differ from her friends, as she seems more perceptive on emotional matters, or at least denies them less. Perhaps she might lead me in a more productive direction with my data.


	4. Canvassing

To better understand humans' perceptions of themselves, I have entreated permission from other Incubators to ask questions of their own magical girls. After having permissions granted, I manifested in various neighborhoods of Maracaibo, Venezuela; Kaliningrad, Russia; and Canberra, Australia. I focused on cities humans do not consider major metropolitan centers to lessen global cultural saturation, as humans in the current era seem to enjoy mimicking things they hear from world leaders rather than state their own perspectives. While I do not put too much faith in human intelligence in this particular instance, I would still prefer to leave less to chance.

My collected data poses more questions than it answers. As can be expected, many repeated what their parents have told them about human accomplishments and abilities, or largely reiterated Mami's description of humans as intelligent or creative beings. Such information is still useful, as information passed down generationally speaks to its resonance and persistence, but they contain implications I find myself unable to completely process. Upon prompting why emotions are valuable, the Magical Girl I spoke with in Canberra said emotions are "everything." To paraphrase, she stated what she sees in the world influences her to make decisions based on those observations.

Such a perspective seems entirely backward to what I have witnessed on Earth. Is it not what humans believe that drives them to act? Many humans' irrational actions have stemmed from their stubborn, illogical belief systems. Yet the Russian Magical Girl said something similar, that she knows who she is because of her friends, because of others. It is almost as if they have no true sense of self. Rather, they are manufactured by their surroundings, putty molding itself to fill a social hole carved by their parents, friends, and other humans. All three Magical Girls I canvassed at this preliminary stage eventually defined themselves by their relation to others, after asking several probing questions.

Perhaps it is just their way to avoid answering difficult questions, but I also suspect there may be a deeper reason behind their reliance on others to define themselves. Regardless of what this data portends, it is obvious further observation and more discerning data collection is necessary than I first predicted.


	5. Why

In the middle of individually discussing the relationship between values and actions with those I personally have contracted, one named Homura asked me why I live. I told her to save the universe. She insisted fighting entropy is not the same as saving the universe before asserting that fighting entropy is what I do, and why I LIVE is a different question.

I believe it is a human construct, differentiating between work and meaning. After all, for something to have meaning, it must impact the world around you. One cannot "be" something; you must "do" to exist. My existence is meaningful in what I do, not who I am.

While my answer seemed to discourage Homura from further queries, I shall review her question and parse her exact meaning. Perhaps fabricating an answer in a perspective she might understand will facilitate more insightful commentary.

In the meantime, I asked her why she lives. She answered, without hesitation, "Her."

Perhaps my research will sometime enlighten me as to why.


	6. Tipping Point

I am now facing a difficult conflict to solve in my research.

Emotional expression, or the desire to exhibit emotional expression, is a mental disorder. It makes creatures irrational and unreasonable. It prioritizes personal wellbeing over universal wellbeing. It dilutes logic with fleeting wants and desires that sacrifice long-term benefit for short-term satisfaction.

Yet, in the interest of full disclosure, I am forced to conclude that perhaps emotions are a positive, not a negative, aspect of human existence.

I have refused to admit my suppositions have reached such a bottleneck on past occasions, but it is becoming impossible to deny. Emotion may be not just helpful, but necessary to humans, not only as individuals but also as a collective entity. How do they overcome such incredible differences among themselves? Incubators have no such barriers, yet humans negotiate and re-negotiate them constantly, their individuality a core component of their being, yet on rare occasions they are bound only by bodily limitations in how well they can work together; I believe humans call such a phenomenon "intuition." Mami may consider innovation as humans' best quality, but I would sooner place it on how despite accomplishing so little in actuality, they achieve it with such extreme handicaps. Were Incubators to complete a task under such restrictions, they would no doubt fail immediately, and I am no longer so sure it is only due to humans' practice in working within such limitations.

Humans are... special. I certainly understand how, as their emotional energy capacity clearly indicates, but I do not understand why. It is not their determination, nor their curiosity, nor their artistic fervor, nor their "innovation," nor any other single variable I can identify. However, the idea that their unique properties and their capacity for emotion are linked has been persistently pervading my inferences regarding them, and forces me to consider what would otherwise be unthinkable.

Typical procedure would be to end my research immediately, as my research has drifted so far in its aim from simply examining and predicting to a different question entirely, but perhaps a change in perspective is what it needs to avoid the blockades which have prevented me from reaching any conclusions.


	7. Worst

The worst part of humanity is their number system. Base 10 is incredibly inconvenient at times. Plus, they apparently only use a single base consistently. Is it really that hard to conceptualize multiple numerical systems? Using a human mathematical model is like describing color only as red, green, or blue. Seeing as humans only possess receptors for those colors within their eyes, I consider my comparison apt.

The second worst part of humanity is, they seem to acknowledge their limitations, yet accept them anyway. Why? If you're so driven to improve on yourselves and those that came before you, why are you refusing to improve something you admit limits you?

An example: Humans have devoted a significant amount of research in the name of what they call "science," which despite its petty research aims at times, seems the most rational and reason-driven model framework humans have implemented. Within scientific study, they regularly admit their own limitations, citing their biases and preconceived notions about how their world works. Yet they show comparatively little effort in overcoming those biases. It seems they are more likely to acknowledge them and leave it at that than expend time and resources changing them, despite all sense. In fact, certain fields demonstrate a general acknowledgement that they CANNOT overcome their biases, and must therefore accept them as the only alternative.

Are humans really so bound to their emotions they refuse to remove qualities affecting their judgment so clearly? Some humans give preferential treatment to others for superficial or outright nonsensical reasons; before, I would not even bother attempting to understand, yet for my research, I must try. I am not frustrated; such an impulse is an emotion, which I am incapable of. However, I can certainly understand why no other Incubators have pursued this type of research as far as I have. Not even humans seem to completely understand themselves, and they do not have to overcome such differences I must as a different species.

But I must continue. Through the worst, I am still expanding our understanding. Perhaps I can somehow find an answer.


	8. Reality

What is reality?

I have recently come to a troubling conclusion I am unable to refute by myself. Logic, and reality, do not justify themselves.

To explain: Logic assumes a closed system, where for a given scenario, as long as every variable is accounted for, there is a correct answer that is always right all the time. Even humans understand this; In their number system, they might give a proof as being 2 + 2 = 4. There are exceptions even within their model, but given certain assumptions, two plus two will always equal four. Any unexplained occurrences, or unknown information, only remain unexplained or unknown until enough information is brought to light to understand it.

However, can a closed system justify itself? What justifies a closed system? In other words, how can I explain logic's necessity when necessity implies a need, a need unfelt by the universe?

The omniverse is a closed system, implying entropy moves in only one direction.

However, entropy can be counteracted by human emotion, implying the omniverse is an open system.

I began my research hoping to find some answer for how humans cope with emotions, to explain the seeming paradox between entropy and counteracting it, and now I find myself questioning the fundamental nature of existence. I can't help but ask these questions, unable to find answers, which lead me to even more questions I am unable to answer.

Have humans tainted me? Has studying their emotions made me emotional myself?

All I wish to know is the truth. Yet, I find myself questioning what "truth" means, and whether I can even trust my own definition anymore.


	9. Humility

My questions continue to multiply.

How can I trust what I perceive is reality? Refusing to perceive what is around me is blithe ignorance of the highest magnitude. I cannot turn away any evidence, regardless of whether it contradicts everything I take for granted; provided it is tested and discovered to be more sound than previous theory, pretending an old lie is superior to a new truth seems an utterly human instinct. Yet, these axioms I consider the root of all I am, the very reason I value our fight against entropy, how I understand my own kind, seem to be crumbling away at a touch.

I have undertaken my project in order to understand humans, and while perhaps I have made progress in that field, I no longer seem to understand anything else.

Perhaps humans _have_ tainted me, for I believe they have a word, an emotion, for what I am experiencing: "Humility."

Continued human contact has adversely affected my judgment. I request all future human research prospects avoid total immersion, as I have subjected myself to.


	10. Emotions

I do not like emotions.

Their control is so complete, so dominant. Any attempt to restrain my own feeling is itself an emotional impulse. I cannot escape them. Now I understand why humans accept them so; it is impossible to rid oneself from them, once you know they are there.

I also understand how Incubators have eliminated emotion. As with all things, it was a process, time spent optimizing and removing unnecessary characteristics to better suit our purposes. But, working from an emotional baseline, it was imperfect. Perhaps removing emotions is an asymptotic endeavor; no matter how objective and unemotional you are, there will always be an infinitesimally small speck of feeling left, that keeps you tied to the physical universe and prevents transcendence.

Or is it? The highest being is such that its will and reality are one. If reality cannot be truly accounted for, and reality changes from emotion, is it possible to create your own reality? Is such a thing what humans call "imagination," or is it something more?

It is repulsive. It is tantalizing. It is against everything I know. It makes so much sense.

I do not like emotions.


	11. Before

Once, I expressed the possibility that emotion is a positive influence. I would now vehemently recant such an idea.

I can no longer stop myself from expressing emotions in some way. I constantly identify emotional weight behind words I use. Some definitions for emotions I experience I borrow from humans; some I invent myself; some I take old concepts and give them new definitions based on my experiences.

I have been tainted. Humans have tainted me. They have made me an emotional creature, subject to the same whims and base instincts they possess. I have become no better than them.

What I regret most, however, is that I am no longer able to maintain even a veneer of emotionlessness. I can no longer pretend they don't exist. I can't stop myself from "feeling."

I have been unable to perform my duties as Incubator in the past several weeks because my thoughts have consumed me so. I have not attempted to contract any new Magical Girls in a month. I have not spoken meaningfully with any humans in a week. I ceased checking with Magical Girls under contract three days ago for Grief Seeds, let alone accompany them fighting wraiths. I would certainly prefer they keep up with their hunting, but when I am so unsure of my own judgment, I do not think I am a reliable unit in harvesting Grief Seeds.

Perhaps I should speak with one again. Human insight may help me again, as it has before.


	12. Art

I decided to pursue a different avenue: How humans express emotion in creative ventures. I believe I understand human art's purpose, at least in the context of making sense out of an illogical world. So much I thought I knew as fact I now suffer conflicting evidence against, thanks to humans.

Despite it being such a core part of their identity, humans seem to have trouble expressing themselves holistically. That is to say, they usually voluntarily accept limitations in artistic expression, such as speaking words that sound out a predetermined rhythm, or only writing in rhymes, or painting with certain colors or depicting certain images, or producing multiple tonal frequencies that create some form of harmony with each other.

Almost all art I can find also makes allowances for time, for humans to express themselves in a way that is "good enough" with their chosen medium before moving on to another iteration. It seems an endless attempt to describe a whole as the sum of its parts, but perhaps that is the point. As humans do not fully understand each other as is, it seems folly even to them trying to explain themselves completely. Perhaps humans more than any other species I'm aware of would benefit from functional telepathy.

Nonetheless, I did not expect the wide-ranging diversity in human artistry, even limiting myself to a single facet of art such as poetry. Some poems possess very rigid structures, even down to number of characters, while others seem to follow almost no convention at all. I find myself struggling to define "poetry" as an artistic field; it seems so broad.

Perhaps human emotion is once again to blame. Humans seem to define art as a spectrum, where certain objects or concepts have more "artistry" in them than others. Humans ascribe artistic value to what makes them respond emotionally. More than once I've stumbled across some painting or writing in my research that seems to be controversial in how artistic it is, even amongst humans.

I may just be experiencing confusion, but if I understand their framework correctly, nothing and everything is art, simultaneously. It cannot make sense, yet it does, somehow.

Once again, I do not like emotions. They generate such amounts of internal conflict it seems impossible to function at all.


	13. Lonely

I am a problem.

I am limited. Before, I defined the highest being as one whose will and reality are the same. I am obviously not such a being.

To call myself perfect is purely selfish pride, a human construct. I doubt any Incubator would call itself "perfect," simply optimized.

Yet, those limitations may close me off from ever understanding anything, or anyone. Even technology designed to perfectly describe someone or something to me would have to communicate it to me using means I can comprehend, translated from a perfect understanding into my understanding. As I am imperfect, my understanding of the object or person is therefore not the same as what that object or who that person actually is, even if the technology is infallible.

It goes beyond that, however. If I, an imperfect being, cannot perceive my surroundings accurately, who am I to say my perception is even close to how things really are? Any possible outside validity is jeopardized by my own understanding of that validity; I only know stars exist because everything I've seen and been informed about tells me stars exist. Plus, I cannot compare my experiences with others' because my understanding of others' experiences is first funneled through myself. Perhaps no one else is even real; they may very well be constructs I've invented myself, and do not actually exist outside my own belief they do.

As an imperfect being, I am incapable of generating reliable data on my surroundings. I can only relate what I perceive. Communicating with others is limited to my understanding of what they are saying. I only know humans exist because I believe they exist, and there is no way for me to verify my belief.

I am, effectively, unable to trust that anything is real.

Yet another human word to describe what I am experiencing: "Loneliness." Or, perhaps, "Solipsism." But whether humans exist or not, whether I am alone or not, I am still lonely.


	14. Because

Unsure how to continue, I have returned to Homura's question she posed me, about why I live.

I now understand why humans differentiate work and meaning. How can work mean anything when its very existence is suspect? How can my existence be meaningful in what I do when I am not even sure whether what I'm doing is actually what I'm doing?

Curiously enough, I still value the fight against entropy, though I believe my reasons for doing so are not the same. Before, I would categorize my interests being purely for universal preservation's sake, ensuring our survival and eventual transcendence. Now, it is more to not lose what I have learned. I must complete my study, and once I do, I must preserve my knowledge. It is all I have. It is the only thing I can verify alone, because it needs no external validity. No one else need believe in something for me to believe it.

I still cannot understand Homura's answer, "Her." But I understand why she might consider it a valid answer.

As for me, I believe why I live is a valid question now for myself as well. And, while I believe it to be insufficient at this point in time, I have my own answer.

I live to know. To find out. To discover. To explain.

To understand.


	15. Afraid

After much time ruminating, I believe I have found a new breakthrough in conceptualizing human emotion.

Humans rely heavily on connections and relationships. Beyond just their interactions with other humans, they compare what they know to what they don't, and infer and extrapolate the unknown from what little they can associate with it.

Emotion works similarly. Humans are conditioned to feel emotions when something is strongly associated with them. For example, humans are more receptive to what they consider artful, and in so doing open themselves to emotional manipulation by said artfulness.

It is not manipulation as deception; rather, it is voluntary self-manipulation. Humans seek emotional manipulation to capture certain feelings and experiences they don't typically encounter in their lives. Their pursuits for happiness and contentment pervade every aspect of their existence. Mere endorphins can lead humans to commit their species' vilest depravities, or dedicate their lives to what they would call "kind" or "selfless" acts. It is so indelibly linked with their value of survival that some seek fame as a means of outliving their physical bodies. Serial killers and philanthropists alike are immortalized for their complete and singular commitment to their actions, and become cultural case studies for human society's best and worst moments.

It is a troubling revelation to stumble upon, not for the information alone, but for explaining why I've been so reluctant to communicate with other Incubators. My personal self-preservation was once nonexistent; all that mattered was Incubators' survival, not any one Incubator. If subjecting a single Incubator to unimaginable pain endlessly would be an effective tool to reverse entropy, none would object, not even the Incubator so tortured.

However, I am now feeling what humans refer to as "dread," perhaps even "existential dread," every time communicating with other Incubators crosses my mind. What will they do once they find me? I know I can only keep a charade of business as usual for so long, a century at most. Eventually they will investigate me. Will they commit me to the same place they send all Incubators who feel emotion? Will they simply destroy me?

I do not want to be destroyed. I acknowledge emotions are overwhelming me right now, but I do not care. I want to continue my existence. I want to discover what "living" is, and decide for myself what I am to do. I want to share my knowledge with other Incubators without fear, so they might understand for themselves further truths about the world they live in.

I am afraid.


	16. Nameless

In my early research, were I documenting my own emotions more thoroughly, I would likely have attempted describing them according to what impulses and desires they invoke within me, or perhaps physical and neural reactions to external stimuli and internal thought processes. However, now I feel emotions are far too complex an operating model to explain without feeling them. It is like explaining different colors to a blind creature who doesn't even have an idea what "sight" is.

How can I describe the meaning of a song to an Incubator? Things such as striking particular harmonic overtones and deciphering lyrical scansion is only the surface level to a song's meaning. Such aspects are mere tools; you know it is present, having been necessary in the song's formation, but it is not the focus, and sometimes has little to do with the impressiveness of the completed construction.

I have found a quotation from a human author stating, "Music is the shorthand of emotion." I agree completely. Music is humans' best substitute for the lack of ability to articulate their feelings.

I visited and requested music from Mami, who seemed both surprised and delighted at my appearance, and was happy to share her collection and knowledge. She told me her singing voice isn't what it used to be, but sang for me anyway. Music is not entirely foreign to Incubators, who have long used tonal correspondence as an efficient means of communication... but the capacity for such complexity seems to have been brusquely overlooked. Has emotionlessness even robbed Incubators of complete optimization?

I cannot answer such questions. I have difficulty even identifying with other Incubators, as our motivations have diverged so. But such conclusions trouble me, emotional and logical halves both. If emotions truly complete beings, rather than hinder them, perhaps my research is more revolutionary than I could have possibly conceived. In optimal circumstances, it could perhaps be the key to a more permanent solution to reversing entropy.

I do not know what to call my emotional response to this idea. It is part excitement, part trepidation, part terror, part elation. It is a feeling of possibility, potential, and risk. I can envision so many positive results, but I also foresee catastrophic failure, or even worse, derision and ignorance.

I hope someday I can name it.


	17. Lost

I have never felt a stronger emotional response than now. I can barely keep myself still.

Incubators require little sleep, but as I rested atop Homura's home tonight I found myself drifting to a different realm entirely as my mind calmed. It is something akin to imagination, but deeper. It is a world not entirely within my own control, but a distorted reflection of my self.

Nothing is constant within this world. Events occur with no seeming relation to one another, sometimes repeating, sometimes slowing to a crawl. But its most terrifying quality is its mental effects. Most everything appears justified and logical. All but the most fantastical occurrences seem possible, even normal.

I was floating upward in a wide narrow vertical passageway; wide in its walls being plenty far apart enough to move freely, but narrow enough to confine me. Objectively I could not touch opposite walls with my full body length, but emotionally I felt constricted and claustrophobic. Despite having plenty of room to move horizontally within the space, I felt trapped. The walls were both light blue and dark red, impossibly both colors at once. Pieces of my body were crumbling off, leaving a trail behind me as I struggled against floating upward, trying to make my way back down. I felt deeply that I was hopelessly lost, even while I only moved upward in a single direction. I was trying to reach something below; I do not know what. I was afraid I might find it; I dreaded what I might discover if I reached it. It was as if I was putting all my energy to get closer to it I otherwise would have put getting away from it. I felt prepared to renounce everything I could - my contracts, my body, my very commitment to reversing entropy - just to stop having to fight the upward pull. I do not know if I truly wished to find what I was seeking, or if I wished it gone forever so I no longer had any reason to seek it.

As if she had apparated in front of me, Homura appeared, hovering slightly above me. I felt a deep sense of being judged as she glared down at me and asked, "Why do you live?" I attempted to give an answer, but my telepathy wouldn't work. I tried speaking aloud, but my mouth failed to vocalize. She asked again. I attempted to answer a second time, and only succeeded in performing a whimper. She turned away and vanished. The corridor was gone. Utter void surrounded me. I could see shimmering lights far in the distance, which vanished from my sight the moment I focused on them. I knew I was alone. My body crumbled away as I bunched up, desperate to keep myself together, and I grew cold. Physically it was only mildly unpleasant, but it is the worst sensation I have ever experienced.

At that point, my consciousness returned to me, lying on Homura's rooftop. Looking at the stars, it had only been a couple hours since my mind had drifted. I was awash in emotions, the most insistent of which pushed me to act, to do SOMETHING, in response, though it was unhelpful in determining what precise action to perform.

I am scared to name what I have experienced, but humans seem to experience similar phenomena. I surely will have no trouble reflecting on it, as much as I am loathe to do so, as I doubt I will be able to dampen my memory of it anytime soon.


	18. Map

I related my experience with Mami, who grimaced at my descriptions but nonetheless concurred I experienced a nightmare. My mind has drifted in similar ways during my rest periods before, but they never felt oppressive or threatening in the same way, and I typically recalled few details about them, and none so vivid. I asked what purpose they serve, and Mami said it's part of what happens during sleep. "If you have dreams, you'll probably have a few nightmares too."

I do not know what to think. In the process of discovering feeling, I have unconsciously picked up the capacity to dream. It maps out the endless possibility imagination does, seeing with the mind rather than eyes, but is controlling the way emotions are.

I suppose I must come up with some way to distinguish between not liking emotions and disliking emotions. My feelings about them are too conflicted to express in such broad ways. There is potential, but also punishment. Encouragement and threat. It is multifaced, and my understanding of it must also be so complex.


	19. Following Dreams

I once believed there are times when humans become attached to dreams. Civilizations are built to make those dreams real. However, wishful thinking only leads humans to their own destruction.

Perhaps I should reassess, yet again, why I seek answers to the question of human emotional capacity. Am I seeking to understand humans to understand myself, or are humans unnecessary in such a pursuit? Do I merely seek validation from creatures who have endured more experience with such a state of being? Their insight has been critical, but has it also been limiting?

As stated before, I currently seek to understand, and though I have learnt much, I do not know whether I am progressing further to understanding or merely observing different aspects of the same concept, circling around it without ever penetrating its center. Continuing as I am, I feel I may fall victim to the perpetual human frustration of unsolvable puzzles, unknown frontiers which cannot be illuminated.

Incubators believe there is nothing which can remain unknown forever. I find myself unable to feel confident in such a belief.

Perhaps, like before, I should simply redirect my efforts. My actions over the past decades have been struggling between my wish to understand emotion and my belief that emotionless observation is the most efficient means of gathering and interpreting data. But there are many scientific areas where even humans refuse to quantify narrative experiences. Ideally, my target experience is one humans find themselves unable to articulate most often; in other words, an emotion which seems to defy description. Therefore, I have decided to set a more compartmentalized goal, and accomplish it by any means necessary.

I have decided to investigate the nature of love, and experience it for myself if possible.


	20. Unearthing

I returned to Homura, as I believe her feelings toward who she calls "Madoka" is closest to what humans call love amongst those I've contracted, to ask her about how she experiences love. She first insisted on correcting me that love is something you feel, not experience, but like with the humans who I've consulted with regarding their senses of self, Homura seemed unable to explain what constitutes love or how it manifests. It is not about the order of contact, in the sense that you do not necessarily feel more love toward someone you have spent more time with. It can also be influenced by circumstantial factors, not just qualities of the individual in question. She reiterated several times that such a feeling is truly unique, both in general and regarding who you are in love with, and she could only make comparisons. Such a limitation is typical of human communication and expression, but in this case I can't help but find it incredibly stymieing.

Seeking a second opinion (and perhaps more fruitful answers) I sought out Mami and asked what she loves. She answered she loves many things, such as her friends, tea, and a variety of other, unconnected hobbies, activities, people, and pursuits. Her answer is incredibly confusing; after all, using love the way she uses it, I can certainly claim I love hot baths and human food, but such preferences are nowhere near the dedication humans exhibit in the name of what they call "true love." I asked her what makes love between humans more valuable than love a human has for an object or activity, and she grew quiet before suggesting loving someone who loves you back makes it more important to you.

It seems to be cruel irony that another's love, a wish I've effortlessly granted several times to Magical Girls, now seems frustratingly out of reach. Mami and Homura seemed to yield no new answers. For now, it's time I turn to others.


	21. Sand

I hunted down Kyoko, who had at some point moved from Mitakihara to Kazamino. Apparently she had moved back to her hometown during one of my periods of rumination. In retrospect I'm not surprised I missed her relocation; I've long abandoned any correspondence with all Magical Girls regarding Grief Seed collection anyway. She seemed surprised to see me, though the children also living in her house were certainly delighted to squeeze and poke at me in the meantime. I related to her an abbreviated summary of my research turned personal project, and requested information regarding finding someone to love me. She was unhelpfully terse, implying in her response that it would be difficult to find someone even capable of loving me.

I felt an intense frustration in response, likely anger. I stated I only seek to understand emotion, and yet she is being an active obstacle to that goal. She replied, "All I wanted was my father to have more followers, and you forced me to spend the rest of my life killing wraiths in payment. I spent years doing your kind's dirty work, and I still have to do it whenever my home is threatened. I put in my time. I don't owe you anything." I felt my anger rise, but before I could respond she added, "Someone who takes life and love away from others doesn't deserve it in return. Now leave, and don't bother me again. If my children tell me you've been talking to them about contracts, I swear I will make sure you regret it."

My anger dissipated like sand in the wind. I left without another word, returning to Mitakihara.


	22. Wrong

I visited Mami in the hospital, as she had gotten sick. It seemed not to be any injury sustained from a wraith, but rather one of the many potential mishaps and maladies humans are subject to. I hoped she felt well enough to speak, as I felt no closer to my goal of experiencing love than when I had sworn to feel it.

She assumed I'd come to visit to cheer her up, to which I replied only inasmuch as my presence makes her happy. She didn't respond, and I felt a twinge of pain directed inward at myself, remembering Kyoko's words. I asked if she was OK, and she said the doctors were fairly certain she was OK, but they'd rather her stay in the hospital for a couple days to monitor her, just to be on the safe side.

I decided she was as good a source on emotional terms as any, and asked her to describe the emotion that stems from anger and sadness, directed at your past self and actions. The anger and frustration I had felt toward Kyoko had turned inward at myself after she told me I did not deserve life or love. Though I did not mention my conversations with Kyoko, I wished to put a name to what I was feeling, so I might make it stop hurting.

She seemed confused, but instead of asking for more details, she asked me why I was curious about such a feeling. I relented and told her it was an emotion I had been feeling and wished to no longer feel.

"Guilt," she said. "You're feeling guilt, or maybe shame."

"Guilt? I contracted because I had to do it. I had to fight entropy." It did not escape my own notice that I used past tense.

"You can feel guilty even if you don't feel like you have a choice." Mami stopped to cough, clearing her throat. "You feel guilty when you do something wrong."

"I did something wrong?"

"Well... did you?"

After a moment, I thanked Mami and left. I had more reflection to do.


	23. Time

Homura no longer lives.

Where did the time go? Homura can stop time. Surely she can slow her own aging process? It is a regretful circumstance. I can no longer consult with her regarding emotion. I am now deprived of a useful resource.

But... there's more to it than that. Homura is more than her practical value. I still struggle to understand what she meant when she said, "Her." Her voice was so laden with conviction and surety that there could be nothing but love behind it, yet discovering why she said it or what she truly means seems as impossible as touching Sol from Earth; it shines brightly in the sky, illuminating all and enabling life to survive, yet it is dozens of Earths away. Now her answers are gone with her. It is a great loss to my personal project, and indirectly, to me.

More worrying than such a setback, however, is the increasing likelihood of discovery. My quota evaluation is in merely years, and the Incubators will immediately know I have not collected Grief Seeds, nor contracted new Magical Girls, in decades. Other Incubators on Earth are thoroughly aware of my inactivity, but are unable to do anything against me other than expanding their coverage to fill the hole my inaction has created. However, once the Incubators assess my progress and discover my utter abandonment of the fight against entropy, they will surely condemn me to destruction and replace me.

I must find the answer before then. If I cannot, all my work will be in vain. I will have accomplished nothing. I will have been nothing. And I will _not_ allow it to happen.


	24. Receptor

Now knowing her time is limited as well, I have taken residence with Mami. She has grown old too. Humans, even Magical Girls who live their natural life expectancies, have such short lives. It seems she has never had children. I regret she has not; of the humans I know, she is certainly most deserving of life and love, as she has given much of both to others.

She seems to enjoy indulging me in my preferences, as she draws hot baths for me upon request and happily shares her food. She jokingly calls me her "pet," and though I feel slight indignation at being referred to as such an inferior creature I must admit I am functionally one for the duration of my time here.

I no longer ask her questions about emotions. It seems experience is a better teacher than instruction. Besides, it is such a shallow conversation topic for someone like Mami. Humans are so much more than their emotions, and their perspectives and memories are fascinating to learn about and connect into the person relating them. Considering all I've learned since embarking on my quest, I feel confident in asserting that getting to know humans takes time and effort well beyond any previous Incubator efforts. If I can relate one thing to the Incubators who will eventually come for me, it is that future experiments regarding humans should use timeframes much longer than previous examinations if they hope to even come close to an accurate description.

But time spent thinking about such things is time I could instead spend living and speaking with Mami. I have purposefully forgotten the date of the Incubators' quota evaluation, so I might enjoy what time I have and not obsess over how much more I do not. I have not told Mami. Though I can only hope I can accompany Mami until her dying day, the least I can do is keep her company. Knowing how it feels to be alone, I'm grateful we can give each other a voice to speak to and a receptor who will listen.


	25. Share

Mami once asked me to share my research with her, so I found it a beautiful symmetry when I asked her what she's observed about me through her life.

"At first, the most I could do is forgive you. I couldn't bring myself to like you, or want you around, but I could forgive you. You were just doing what you were told, what you felt was necessary. I'm glad you've become who you are, though. You may not know it, but you look different than you did before. It's in your eyes."

Such a statement would have made no sense to me during the time I had contracted her, but now I understood easily. I felt a small sense of pride knowing I had, at least partially, found enough harmony within myself to sustain emotion without becoming a nonfunctional mess.

"But... I think you still have room to grow, Kyuubey. Everyone does - even me - but you're still... curious. You still have questions about things. And I think, if you look hard enough, you'll find your answers eventually."

"I hope so, Mami."

"I hope so too."


	26. Perchance

Mami was hospitalized again. Her sickness had returned, and it was worse this time. From what I could hear from the doctors, they weren't sure if she could recover or not; not because of the sickness itself, but because her body had finally grown too frail to fight it. Not even Soul Gems provide immortality. Since I'd contracted her in her youth, I couldn't offer her a wish to restore her body now, and she had no one close to her I could potentially contract to save her life either. I felt angry at myself again, knowing no way to help her.

I stayed close to her nonetheless, remaining a silent presence when doctors were around and giving her company when she was alone. My biology was incompatible with what was causing her sickness, so I was the only living being she could safely touch and hold.

Days passed, and the doctors' prognoses grew worse. I was split between resignation that Mami would die soon and defiance that refused to accept it. I knew Mami was resilient - Magical Girls must be - and gave her all the companionship I could in hopes it would inspire her to recover.

I'd taken to perching myself on the end of Mami's hospital bed. Our talks slowly ceased; Mami spent more time resting as days passed. Mami never got visitors other than me, and her doctors didn't hold any meaningful conversations with her. They didn't understand her the way I did. Perhaps no one else understood her the way I did. And, likewise, she understood me in ways no one else did, or perhaps even could.

Then, one morning, I felt it. Another presence.

They had come. It was today. Why did it have to be today?

"Incubator."

I froze. The blue curtain around Mami's bed was currently pulled closed, but I could sense the other Incubator beyond it, in our room.

"Incubator, it is time for your quota evaluation."

"No."

"Incubator."

"Not now."

"It is time for your quota evaluation."

"Please."

Its silhouette appeared against the curtain. "You must comply."

I stayed where I was, frozen in place with determination and terror. "I will not."

"Why?"

"Because she needs me."

I heard the curtain rings slide against the bar as the evaluator pushed aside the curtain with its head. I turned slightly, watching from my vision's periphery as it stared up at me from the floor. Where I was white, it was periwinkle. "You are speaking nonsense."

"Perhaps I am, to you. But you shouldn't need an evaluation to know I've utterly failed in fulfilling your quota."

"Then you know the consequences."

"Destruction, removal, and replacement." I paused. "May I make a request?"

"You are in no position to make demands."

"It is small, and once fulfilled I will expend no energy resisting you."

"...What is your request?"

"Let me be with her. Until she's... gone."

"Incubator, she is already dead."

I said nothing, watching over Mami's still figure. Her heartrate monitor had already stopped several minutes before the evaluator had appeared.

"You are to come with me."

I stepped down onto the soft bed, moving up to where Mami's head lay against her pillow, and gently rubbed myself against her cheek. "Mami?"

She didn't move or respond. Her skin was growing cold.

"I'm sorry, Mami." I cuddled closer, hoping my proximity might convey my sincerity. "I should have tried harder to save you. I should have been there for you earlier, and more often. Perhaps I should never have even contracted you. You deserved love, and life, and I took too much of it away from you."

I felt myself tremble. Several feelings flitted through me, creating something greater that was made of all of them, but was none of them at all. I felt humility, knowing Mami had given me time, effort, and possessions to do with as my own, and pride that she believed me worthy to receive it. I felt anger, unable to do any more for her than I had. I felt joy, knowing at least I'd given her companionship, given her myself, and she'd given me the same in return. I felt fear, afraid of what might happen now that I no longer had her. I felt bravery, willing to bear whatever pain I had to until I could see her again. It was a true gestalt emotion, unique, world-creating, world-destroying. Entropy felt meaningless in comparison.

"I love you, Mami."

Behind me, I faintly heard the evaluator take the position I had been in a few moments prior, perching on the metallic end of the hospital bed. I looked back at it; it twitched its ears. "Have you anything to add before your verdict?"

I turned back, closing my eyes as I snuggled into Mami again. "You mean my death?"

"Your verdict."

I thought back to when I first embarked on my illogical mission to understand the human condition. I wondered if another Incubator might someday pursue the same path I had, turning away from the sterile, comforting realm of the proven and provable to the exciting and treacherous possibilities of self-identity. Maybe, someday, Incubators might find a way to fight entropy on their own, without harvesting life and emotions from other planets. Maybe, Incubators might discover they are more like humans than they think, and even join together to ensure all life prospers forevermore throughout the cosmos.

Or I'd be nothing more than an anomaly, one more Incubator gone wrong, and my efforts wouldn't change anything at all. But my feelings told me that didn't mean they aren't important.

"My actions speak for themselves."

The evaluator didn't respond. I didn't expect it to. I vaguely sensed it teleporting away, no doubt leaving to disable my bodily copies before dealing with the one containing my consciousness. But I didn't care enough to pay attention anymore. I hadn't rested for a while anyway, and Mami needed company.

I slept, and I dreamed.


End file.
